Damn You Universe

I really feel like Al Pacino in the Godfather. I made a decision to not put my time and energy into organizations that don’t make a concerted effort to be welcoming. I’m not on a pity pot and think the red carpet should be rolled out. But I do think that if an organization constant lip service about being inclusive but their action are matching up it’s time for me to leave. I let my membership lapse, I didn’t come to this decision easily, I gave it the ole college try, I kept going back and participating because I didn’t want someone to come through the door and not see themselves in me. But after trying several times and being disrespected several time I decided to move on. I still keep an eye out in the hopes that it might change, and I’m always going to be willing to present as long as folks think I have something to say, but I’ve come to realize why some presenters have a list of demands as it were, I have list as well. Maybe not a list just two things, but still

I made the decision to take a step back this year. I’m thrilled with MAsT and that is where my head and heart is, I’m also thrilled that folks are interested in the book discussion group that I started. But as soon as I made this statement to the girl I was asked to host the ONYX brother party, then asked to host a weekly radio show and to judge a leather contest.


LeatherFirst NYC MAsT Metro NY book discussion

LeatherFirst NYC in conjunction with MAsT Metro NY has started a book discussion. We meet the *3rd Sunday of the month from 2-4pm at Purple Passion/DV8 211 West 20th Street New York, NY 10011. Thanks to the generosity of Hilton.

July 21 we discuss The Killer Wore Leather by Laura Antinou. It is available for download from Amazon. Don’t have a reader? No problem you can get a copy at Purple Passion and let them know that you’re reading it for the book discussion.

See you there

Duck on a Pond

Last night after I had come in from work, the girl and I sat and talked. I like when we do this it helps me to decompress from my day as well as get an update of her day. When she first came here I would ask what she did during her day? She’d go through her list and at the end I’d ask “no yoga?” To which she would pout and say she did what she could, she has a love hate relationship with yoga.

We talked about a conversation on the owners and property board about objectification. which lead to another subject, to which lead to another. To which leads me to post. “To which” might be my phrase of the day? :)The girl stated that the slave circle seems to think, rightfully or not so rightfully so, that masters are content with the maintenance of the dynamic, which to them seems like “costing.” She explained that it seemed masters have a goal and when they achieve said goal and are satisfied they go back to coasting in the relationship. While she was explaining this to me all I could think of was ducks on a pond. It seems to me rightfully or not so rightfully so- but I think rightfully so due to what I’ve heard most slaves say. That slave need to see movement. since they are always, moving. From the outside one can say that her service to me to which serves the dynamic is visible. That same one can say that from the outside my part of serving the dynamic is not visible. Like the duck on the pond, where people are looking at the duck and saying “oh look how the ducks are floating on the pond?” No one ever says “damn those ducks must be paddling their asses off under the water to move so gracefully.”

I’m not speaking for all masters, but the ones I know are always thinking, of how they want to and which direction they want their dynamic to move.


I know the girl also had done a lot of inner work, that which I don’t see, but manifest itself in ways that I can see, like when she speaks at MAst, or when I announced we were going to do a demo, or sit on a panel. She had changed a great deal from how she was when she first got here. But in my defense she did know before she got here that I like to teach, and even then I was thinking she would be a benefit to that end. Hell she’s got a point of view that I think is important for folks to hear. And she doesn’t  talk just to hear the sound of her voice.

So for those slaves sitting in the slave circle, here’s some insight into some things in the master’s circle.

How do we support out slave when they are out of work?

How can we let them know they are valued and are contributing even if they work out of the home?

How do we not take them for granted and show gratitude for them every day?

How do we provide security for them, with out seeming to chest beating while saying “me be master?”

How do we provide comfort when the world is in any way not so kind to our slaves?

How do we make sure they have the tools they need to grow?

How do we provide a place for them to grow, spiritually and mentally?

And if that’s not enough the all important question which is discussed at length in said circle where do we want our dynamic to be and look like in 5 years, 10 years or next year? And are we/what are we doing to move it in that direction?

Yep a heck of a lot of paddling under the water, but the duck looks so pretty don’t it?

The dynamic is like a dance, to which each person has to move a certain way as to not step on toes and falling down.


The Killer Wore Leather:An S/M Mystery

41SsJ2JM8dL._SL500_OU01_SS130_The Killer Wore Leather: An S/M Mystery by Laura Antoinou



Unlike everyone in the nineties, who was reading Laura Antoiou’s “The Marketplace,” I did not read the series until 2010. Yeah I’m saying it out load, I didn’t drink the kool aid. Wanting to support our local small business owner, I lucked out and picked up an autographed copy of, “The Killer Wore Leather an S/M mystery” at Purple Passion.

If you have been to any kind of convention, whether Sci-Fi, Anime, Steam Punk, or Kink related, you will notice some characters from each of the conventions in your own community, this is no different.
Set in the greatest city in the world, New York, folks came from near and far, to a hotel in mid town for the Mr. and Mrs. Global Leather and Bootblack contest.They all came, rubbing elbows, in all of their leather, rubber, and latex and helmeted horned finery. If you have ever been to a convention and thought god I wish she/he would just die,this book is for you.

In the dead of the night, a Leather man was struck down, and it was up to New York’s finest Detective Feldblum and her new partner, the hunky Dominick DaCosta to sift through the language of the BDSM world while figuring out the motivation of the bootblacks and learning a lesson in volunteerism by Bitsy, that’s slave Bitsy and boi Jack, not the other boy Jack but both Jacks

In true Laura Antoiou style, no one is saved from her wit and witticisms. Words to the wise, if your feelings get hurt, just remember the words of a famous man:
“Who the cap fits, let them wear it.” And know you’re taking yourself to damn serious.

I so loved the mystery in this book, and just when you thought it was safe, and you were the only sane person who knew who the killer was consent was withdrawn.
Thank the feminist Goddess I live in NY so laughing so hard at parts in the book didn’t even raise an eyebrow on the subway.
I hope there’s more form Laura with these two charterers, and a big thank you Laura for the diversity of people not fetish in this story.

And just so you know the killer in the book who killed a distinguished Leather Man in the “community”


Wore leather.


Inquiring minds

I was listening to a pod cast the other day and the topic was what makes a good master. Now this is very subjective since what I think makes a good master and what someone else thinks makes a good master will vary. And that’s cool. But something that was said made me think is it old school to assume that those who call themselves masters are responsible for those they call their slaves?

I think they are, and I also think there is a way at least there was in the past how it was handled.  My slave is a living representation of me, likewise so are their actions. If another master who doesn’t have authority over my slave feels that my slave needs some correction to some transgression they should and would come to me. They come to me because

1. I’m my slaves master and

2. Because they (the master) are my peer, not my slaves peer.

I’ve been sitting on a situation for some time now and like the master who was speaking in the pod cast I fear it’s not going to be pretty and I’m going to  loss someone I think highly about. But as Cat woman said in Batman Returns to Bruce Wayne and I’m paraphrasing I’d love to be with you and live with you and have a respectable life, but I wouldn’t respect my self in the morning. And the bottom line is can I respect someone who knowing will allow their “slave” to disrespect others.

It leaves a bad taste in my mouth which may be why I haven’t made a call, or it may just be that I don’t want to deal with being lied to, or the excuses that come with it.

So what makes a good master? That’s for a different post


I have given some thought about our dynamic, I’m truly blessed to have a few masters female and male as well as some slave types in my life that I can talk to. And by talk I mean talk, not the superficial shit most talk about and call deep and meaningful, that would lead them to believe they truly know you. When these people ask me” how I’m doing?” They really want to know, how I’m doing? I’ve been able to share with them some things that I haven’t worked out in my head yet and thank the Goddess I have them .I’m able to share my shit, and trust that if my shit is stinking they will call me on it, and we will still be friends(inside joke). Sharing how I was feeling about the girl going back to FL and not having control over how she would be protected from some folks there had me more nervous than a whore in church. No offense to whores, but true to form my friends put me in check. It was about control for me and it was. I can freely and you are admit that, but what I really need to focus on was, is it about me having some kind of savior complex? Hell I’ve never thought of myself as the savior type, when I was younger I had to save myself, so I had no time to try to save others. As I got older I tried to be the example of what saving oneself could be, I could point to the path I took. I wasn’t interested in dragging someone off their path no matter what it was to a path I thought they should take. Grated it might have saved them some pain, but it’s their path, their journey as it were. When they are ready to take it the only thing I could do is be there to give them a hug when they arrive. In that way we are responsible for making our own destiny. I guess I didn’t digress it was the circle of life, and all.

Last night I stayed up far too late giving this more thought after all I am the *“T” in our relationship where she is the “F”. We balance really nicely together, she reminds me to “F”eel, while I remind her to “T”hink.  So I’m up thinking about this, not really paying attention to the TV. When I did start to pay attention I realize there’s a documentary on about Sylvia Plath, because nothing brings more joy into deep though like a documentary about Sylvia Plath. The upside, yes there was an upside at least for me was that it got me to stop thinking about if I had a savior complex. When it was done at 1am I had a clear head and I came to the conclusion that I don’t have a savior complex, I have what I’ve always had even as a child, right is right, wrong is wrong complex.(which my mother called me being too sensitive, but that’s another post). I have a I hate bullies complex, an if you have to tear someone down to prop yourself and your self-esteem up and you feel you need to manifest that towards someone I care about I’m going to kick your ass complex. Don’t get me wrong, the girl has taken care of herself and I’m so proud of her for doing what she needs to do for herself. Her taking care of herself is in part serving me its part of our agreement. But I also know that some shit would not go down if we were there together. See that’s how some bullies work in this “community”, they do shit under the cover of a leather hat, or behind a title of “alpha slave.”

I invite you to enjoy this vid.


After all I am the master of all I survey in our one bedroom Bronx apartment. LOL

*My personality type (which my job spent a large amount of money to access) is INTJ.

While the girl’s personality type is INFJ

Myers-Briggs type indicator

One Day at a Time

I have written a lot here about TES, an organization here in New York over the years like all organization it’s done a lot of good for the BDSM community as a whole. It’s a volunteer based organization and many people have given their time to it, myself included. But what is going on within the organization has for the first time in many years has me considering stepping away. It has become an organization excuses, and pettiness the likes of which would make kindergartener appear college graduates. I’ve been able to take the high road but that road is being corroded and I’m getting tiered of traveling on it. I’m torn because on the one hand I want to continue to in some way keep some part of the organization alive for those who may find their way to its doors. But on the other hand I’m tired of the lack of accountability. The tipping point came when yet again I was not included with was going on in a group that I’m the co-facilitator of. At the last minutes and I do mean minute I  and the other facilitator had to figure out how to get the presenter what she needed. My problem with this is that if  informed with enough time this would not have been the case both of us are aware of our responsibilities and are not afraid to step up and do what we need to. When we finally put a plan in place I thought my head was going to explode when I was then informed that no one on the operations committee knew when to find lube. Read that again, lube. They don’t know where to find lube, we don’t live in caves, this is New fucking York any one over the age of 18 (and yes I could have gone with a lower age) knows where to find this. This to me became yet another example of what I’ve been seeing with people in the organization, the attitude of wanting spoon feeding. It took everything I had not to ask the “Man” when I got to the meeting “how the fuck he doesn’t know where to find lube at?” really? This is like going to the supermarket and standing in front of the milk and not knowing where the fucking butter might be at. Look around, think!

Now I know some may say Raven people don’t know everything? And you would be right, I don’t know everything, but I’m open to learn. But there’s no excuse not knowing where to get lube from. There’s a Duane Reade, CVS, Rite Aide on every other corner in New York. If you know where to get condoms, you might think lube can’t be too far away? And we are talking about people who are old enough to know where the condoms are in a store like this. No it goes back to wanting to be spoon feed, being lazy and I’m at the point where I’m considering making this my last year with the organization that was here for me when I walked through their doors. I’ve been taking it one day at a time, but it’s getting hard. It was hard when I was discounted as the vice chair of a committee when the chair stepped down.

Breaking news: the President is no longer able to fulfill his duties, until further notice the vice President will fill in for the duration of his term. You get my point.

Before this email exchange was forward yet again to me, since most times I’m excluded, it was yet again another example and made me take another step back.

Building a castle

I can’t say that I write often, I do, just not here. I write in my journal you know in a book with blank sheets of paper and I use a pen. 🙂 I have been talking with a girl for some time now, actually since Feb. We have talked for hours on end by phone and through email. As with many things with me I don’t rush into many things lightly.

And although I know some who have rushed head long into a relationship, the kind of relationship I want to be in is to important to me. Needless to say  one night while  we were talking I mentioned that we should have a blog to discuss the things we talk about. Guess what? We do, it’s nothing all the at fancy but it is a start. Some of my reasoning why I thought it would be a good idea was that I  rarely see blogs by the M types and thought I might have something to say. I know what your thinking, Rave, you rarely have anything up on this blog?”  Yep it’s true, but give it a read. jade’s castle




Life Happens


There’s a saying “Life happens when you’re busy making other plans.” Since living my life is my plan you can guess I’m exhausted. 🙂

This weekend will be no exception, thank the Goddess for Monday free from the plantation! And will have a day to re-charge

The brother of ONXY North East brings BlackOut XVII the Legacy to the big apple. Oct 5-7th. Yours truly will be co-hosting the Leatherman of Color contest with
DarrellX this Saturday at Rock Bar.

Don’t know what ONXY is about? Check out their site.

Then MaST MetroNY this Sunday the topic Enough Already! A Dialogue about Abuse in M/s Relationships.
Visit MAsT Metro NY website


Going to the Market


I’ve been told I don’t blog much and have to be poked with a stick to do it, so I’ve been poked.

There have been several things going on with me that I haven’t for some reason, haven’t written about, at least not here. I do have a “master’s journal”. Or rather a journal that I write in about with it is I do and how I live and/or want to live in M/s. I am working on another place to write on M/s topics and my journey moving forward with a particular girl. And by girl I mean woman. I haven’t decided yet if I want that to be public.

Some m ay read the things I write and think it’s 50 fucking shades, it’s not. I work for a living, which allows me to pay rent, eat and pay other bills that come with real life.

Here’s an example of real life. I work around books here in NY, and since the book 50 shades has become such a hit and the second coming everyone and their mother and I do mean mother wants to read it. I have to maintain a professional demeanor every time a woman rushes in and ask for the book or to put it on order. I can tell you being asked about this book hours on end is like one of Dante’s levels of hell. I have the same reaction to when woman come to my desk with “urban” books. I can feel James Baldwin , Zora Neale Hurston and a slew of other African American writers rolling in their graves.  Any who, it got to the point after hearing hour upon hour of women sounding disappointed about really wanting to read this book that  my face cracked, I had a “look”. The woman asked, “what?” and it happened. It was as if I was standing next to myself and I couldn’t stop myself from talking.

“If you want to read a really good book I suggest the marketplace by Laura Antoinu.

There it was done the constant ringing in my ear from hearing this title had stopped, my lunch had gone back down in my stomach and all was right with me.  Out the corner of my eye I could see my other self shaking her head in disbelief, asking  “why?” as the woman left I saw another one of myself giving me the thumbs up.

A couple of days pasted and it stuck, my head didn’t feel like it was going to explode when women after women came in to ask for the book. But then tragedy struck.

The woman I had suggested the marketplace came in with a “look”. This wasn’t going to be good. She approached my desk and said in a some what loud voice,

“that book you suggested was discussing, I went to Amazon and read some reviews and what I read was about slavery and BDSM!”

In my head the dialogue was, ah yeah you lonely bitch it is. It’s the fucking bible of BDSM and although it’s fiction it’s hot fiction. It should appeal to you? There’s wealth that’s never explained, naked people being hit with object, and everyone is white.

But instead I said, “I thought you might appreciate it since it is in the same vain as the book you were looking to read?”

I guess it wasn’t, she got her 50 shades and left in a huff. Another woman who was standing to be helped next asked “what book did you suggest?” she went on to say that 50 shades was boring and she barely got past the first chapter. She chocked it up to her age. She said,

“hon, when you get to be my age you can spot bad writing and a boring story a mile away. And if we come to accepting this as smut, I’m ashamed a tree was cut down for it. Now what did you suggest to that woman?”

I tried to explain that the book was something she had to buy, but she would not be deterred, she asked if there was “adult debauchery, in this book?” I went to my desk to get my copy. (Don’t ask.) I let her read the back cover and went on the help the next person. When I turned back around she was gone, and so was my book. I was a bit pissed, since Ms. Antoinu, yep I called her Ms. (which I’m sure she would snort at).Had signed the book for me while we bantered back and forth about signing it in blue ink my favorite and not her favorite purple ink. Any way the book was gone and I had to be okay with that. A week later the same woman walks in and hands me my book, saying,

“now that’s adult smut, I bought the series thanks.”

I’m not sure Ms. Antoinu would agree its smut, but hey another satisfied customer and I still have my day job. If you live under a rock and never heard and or read anything she had written shame on you,  keep up with her goings on, on  her facebook page .